The Truth About Motherhood

So I have been wanting to write this post for awhile. Because someone has to tell the truth about motherhood. So let's get started--
When I tell people my "situation" in life (I have 5 kids, 3 and under, two sets of twins, etc...) I get a response that consistently is shock, horror, and pity.  And then when people realize that I actually chose my situation, through fertility, and it wasn't some freakish accident (as if having 5 kids this close could be) I am treated like the dumbest, craziest person in the world.  Honestly- it bugs me.  Why- because I love my job! I love it. It fills my life, my soul, and really is better than I could have ever imagined!  Is it hectic? yes. Is it trying? yes. Is it hard? um, YES.  Are there times where it feels like I'm living groundhogs day? yup.  I swear my late nights cleaning my house are pointless, because honestly- It looks like a wreck within an hour of the kids waking in the morning.  So tonight I'm blogging instead :). But what people fail to understand is that something so difficult could be so enjoyable.  And so here I am, putting my voice out there- because I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom.  Before I go any further I need to share a disclaimer- i make so many mistakes, I have many many moments where I'm trying to back track because I didn't handle a situation how I should have.  But the beautiful thing about motherhood is that it is a job. And, just like any job, it is a role that should be developed and nurtured.  Just because it isn't  a degree that is attained in a college doesn't mean that it isn't a career path with goals to be set and milestones to be met.  And when I treat my role as a mom like a job, I'm able to love it, because I'm not just letting the days pass by, I'm building a family.

So I want to share some of the things that are so amazing about being a mom, because we don't hear enough about them! First is having sweet faces that missed you while they were sleeping.  My kids wake up and want hugs, kisses, snuggles and then they tell me they missed me. And my heart feels like it's going to burst for a second, because I missed them too, and I love them so much, and every second that passes is one that I want to cherish and remember forever because there will be future mornings where I don't have sweet voices telling me they missed me while they were sleeping, and I can't bear it!

I love watching my children learn.  It is so amazing how fast kids learn, and being a mom is like being a participant in an amazing traveling exhibit that shows extremely intelligent midgets learning things. It's really cool!  I've been telling my son Batman stories at night, and I try to tie in places around the world like the pyramids in Egypt, or exciting new concepts like using a regulator and oxygen tank so that batman can swim underwater.  The crazy thing is that a few days later I can hear my son talking about things he heard once in a batman story and it blows me away!  Kids really are like sponges and it is just so much fun being a contributor to the different things they are exposed to.  On a side note I think the misuse or mispronunciation of new words they're trying out is adorable!  So much so that I do not correct my children and silently mourn when they figure out they've been using or saying the words incorrectly.

Another thing that is so magical about children is how happy they can be doing anything, and how their love for exploration can lead them to do some pretty funny (and frustrating) things.  My kids can creatively find a way to enjoy just about anything. I mean right now I'm thinking back at my day and it's not like we did a ton, but my kids were so busy doing nothing! For instance, today my son was carrying around a diaper rash ointment bottle and a baby lotion bottle and holding them up to his eyes and using them as "telescopes" or binoculars...  He kept walking around singing "Jake and the Neverland Pirates" or talking about seeing the moon as he pointed his binoculars at the floor. One of my girls loves, and I mean LOVES, changing her clothes.  Today she changed her underwear as many times as their are pairs in her room, and she also wore all of her big brothers underwear.  Sometimes I want to lock up her room and put a stop to it, but it's such a big part of what she loves to do I keep telling myself that washing all the underwear is not that big of a deal. My other twin daughter just laid by our baby twins and when they started rolling into her she just couldn't stop giggling because "they're getting her".  It's so fun to see her start little games with them and she will spend hours by their side. Another funny thing that happened today- we were at the doctors office and I was about a foot away from my son when he chucked a wooden airplane straight at the side of my head. I was so mad and he was so shocked that it hit me.  He quickly said, "oh sorry mom, it was supposed to fly OVER your head." I stopped and tried to think about his point of view and told him I thought that was a great idea, except when he's throwing objects like that they could hurt people, so it would be better to do it outside when he is alone. All of the time I find my kids making messes, or misusing objects in a way that will most likely ruin them and I have to stop myself to realize that they're just exploring the world and having fun.  Right now they're going to do stupid things, like rub 12 oz of lotion (which I splurged on because the scent is heavenly) over their entire body and clean hair, or rub their boogers onto their sisters head because they're "doing her hair like Elsa", and when I find them doing these things they're always so proud as they present their accomplishments. And as hard as it is, I'm trying to learn to be excited with them, and throw out my frustration. It's so easy to forget that they are little explorers, and really they're just doing their job of learning about the world around them. To help me, I've recently made a goal to not get frustrated about anything that can be cleaned up in less than 10 minutes.  Because this time is going to end, and honestly I want to be more like my kids!  I wish something silly like a cloud or an airplane in the sky made me jump for joy.  I wish that I looked at the world around searching for opportunities to explore and live in each moment without waiting for tomorrow. But more than that, I don't want to squish the life out of them by getting mad at their messes and seemingly thoughtless behavior.  Right now is their time to be little, to learn, to make mistakes, to discover their interests, to cry, to laugh.  I want them to see their Momma as someone who will jump in to the fun, not always rain on their parade.


Today I went into the kitchen to find a naked toddler laughing on the counter as she played with clumps of wet sugar all over her hands and body.  There were small peaks of the remainder of the bag on the counter and instantly I began saying "no, no no no! Addie No!  We don't do that Addie!" And then I looked at her face, and her lip started to quiver and I put myself in her little head and realized that she was exploring, How fun for her that experience was, and how difficult it must have been for her to understand why it was wrong for her to do.  So I quickly changed my attitude and told her how silly she was, and that it was okay.  I told her I loved her and that she was a stinker (that is an endearing term in our household).  Even now as I remember the experience I'm sad that I broke her spirit in that instant, and wish I could go back and react differently.  But at the same time I'm hopeful that tomorrow I'll be more like the kind of mom I want to be and the kind of mom my children deserve.  Because being a mom is a sacred role.  There is NOTHING better that I can be doing right now in my life than taking these sweet littles that God has entrusted to me, and trying to teach and love them even though I'm still a child in so many ways.  So tomorrow when I wake up I'll start my day praying I can be better, but also prepared knowing I won't be perfect.  And my kids will have patience with me, and I in turn will have patience for them.  We're a team, team Towner, and I'm so proud and humbled that I get to bear the title of mother to my sweet little team.

So I guess lots of the things people say about motherhood are true- you can't travel like you used to, going anywhere becomes a huge process and bags are packed for running errands, suitcases are packed for an overnighter and anything longer than 3 or 4 days should be considered carefully.  You may not eat a hot meal for years and, sometimes in the hustle and bustle you may not eat at all.  BUT, and this But is the thing missing from all of the conversations you usually hear about motherhood-- nothing in this world and I mean NOTHING is more valuable than holding a sweet tiny baby in your arms for the first time and looking in their eyes you know, and they know, that they need you and you need them. Those moments and memories for me are precious and every time I get to make another memory where I get to hold one of my babies close, or comfort them in their pain or fear, or watch them laugh and discover I thank God that I know the truth about motherhood. It is a miracle, It is amazing, and it is so so worth it.

Be Happy

So... this last weekend was rough for me.  I could tell you a million little reasons why it was hard, but there was no real explanation for "this is why I feel down", you know?  You know when you have one of those days (or several days) that just feels hard? When I have those days I try to do things to make me happy, and sometimes I change the way I feel and sometimes I don't.  But something I realized this weekend that I really wanted to share with whoever is willing to listen- too often I give away my own "power" to make myself happy by telling myself I am not in control of the way I feel.  Sometimes I blame the way I feel on other people, on a situation, or on hormones :). And the second that I do that it is much harder to be happy because I no longer am focusing on things that bring real happiness! So I was thinking about this a lot these past few days, decided last night I wanted to write about it, went to bed with all kinds of great thoughts and WHACK- I was hit with reality! My twin babies were up several times last night, I woke up with a piercing headache, one of my two year old twins has been screaming since she woke up (I have no idea why), and my 3 year old boy has decided to make it is his mission to hurt my babies!  Well this morning I kept saying "ok, happiness is up to me! It is my choice to be happy." So with optimism in stride I made oatmeal with my screaming daughter clamoring to my leg, "be happy, be happy, be happy".  I'm mixing away as my son pushes a stool to the medicine cabinet and pushes all the stuff off the counter onto the floor.  I kindly tell him not to do that, and he quickly responds it was an accident.... really? I watched him push it all off with INTENTION! But no big deal right? because I'm happy.  I tell him I need him to pick the stuff up, and move the stool back to the counter, while I dish up portions of oatmeal into two Hello Kitty bowls and one Ninja Turtles bowl (which my son calls Engine Turtles, BTW).  I then proceed to put the bowls in the freezer to cool the oatmeal, anything not tepid my children consider scalding.  As I shut the freezer my screaming daughter wails, throws herself back and smashes her head on our wood floor....ugh.  I try to hold and console her, but she does NOT want to be held!  She proceeds to scream at me, and throws herself back on the wood floor... by now Pharrell's song has taken a minor key in my head and the irony plays on... I will be happy.  Que babies crying in monitor as I place the cooled oatmeal in front of my children.  I quickly try to help my distraught daughter eat as she is not great at feeding herself anything liquidus.  Then my other daughter asks for help, climbs into my lap with her bowl and then strategically tips her bowl upside down over my leg...... ahhh... I'm happy....I ask my son to quickly get me a rag so I can try to gather the oatmeal up before standing, and in his three year old humor he decides that walking slowly to the melody of two crying babies is what I must of meant, and despite my pleas for him to hurry, he makes his way to me at a snails pace, grin across his face, rag waving back and forth tantalizingly.  Well that was just breakfast and the morning followed suit, and I am sure you don't want a play by play, but let me assure you that my new understanding of happiness was challenged. And I am not sure I came out triumphant.  BUT It is naptime right now, and miraculously all five of my children are napping. I have decided that when they wake up they will be greeted with love, hugs, and most of all a mother that is happy.  I am convinced that all of us moms, and anyone really, have a superhero power that we do not take advantage of! (we are really into superhero's at my house right now) We have the power to bring happiness into our home. Last night as I carried my disobedient son into his bedroom to put him down for the night, and placed him in his bed, I gave him kisses on his stomach instead of the lecture I was preparing.  WHY? because I was mad at him, not really controlling my feelings and I didn't want to walk away from putting my son down to bed with regrets.  I wanted him to feel how happy his mom is, regardless of what is going on.  Now, all too often I do not show my children a happy mommy, and I can say EVERYTIME I regret those interactions! I'm not saying that life is butterflies and lollipops, but what I am saying is that we need to all know the truth about how we feel and act.  Sometimes I am unhappy, sad, upset, etc. And really- none of those feelings are bad! But what I have to remember is that when I want to be happy it is up to me!  I am in control of my feelings. I will never have a perfect life, with a husband who can read my mind, kids who never make mistakes, and I need to know I don't need those things to be happy Even if everything is going wrong and my whole life may seem like one big Pinterest fail, I can still be happy.  In my hands I have my own super hero power, but I can also hold my own kryptonite. I want my kids to know that no one is in control of how they feel but them, and the only way I know how to do that is by showing them mom is in control of how she feels.  So next time when everything goes wrong, turn on a song and dance around the kitchen (I did that twice today, and my son kept telling me that it wasn't very nice... that is why I do not dance in public), stand outside in the sun for one minute with your eyes closed, or do SOMETHING for one minute to channel that inner super hero and turn that frown upside down-- you'll be glad you did! No matter what is going on I know we can all find something to smile about. What do you do to make yourself happy? What makes you smile?
Oh, here are a few gems from this morning!

Counting to 5

5.  That is a number that means a lot to me.  All day long I am counting to 5. In my head I count to 5 while i'm sitting on the couch nursing two babies, while my twin 2-year-old girls and my 3-year-old boy help each other strip off their clothes and run around the house "flying like superman". 1-2-3-4-5.... (sigh) i can do this... I can face this day.  Now on to breakfast. I count to 5 after I've slammed on my brakes, pulling out of Target and turn around in a panic to make sure I see my 5 little people in the back of my van.  Good, no one was abandoned in the cart! drive on.  I tell myself I count to 5 (very slowly) to give my son a "buffer" to make the right decision, but deep down I know it's a buffer so that hopefully I don't have to chase him down and follow through with whatever the consequence is!  It's 1:30 pm and I count to 5 as I get kids fed, changed and ready for naps.  Now to clean up after lunch. 5 is the number of fingers and toes I hope to find on each small hand and foot, signifying a days success. 5:00 PM- The time I look forward to everyday- the glorious time when I will receive a call or text telling me back-up is in route.  And then after dinner, starting from 7:30 until about 10:30, I count to 5 as my five small someones are all kissed gently, sung to, prayed with and tucked in to bed.  And then I sit down on the couch and long to hold them in my arms again.  And then as I lay down, with baby monitor humming nearby, I fall asleep knowing that between the two of us 5 may be the number of times we are woken throughout the night to cries for mommy and daddy to console small fears, help with bathroom needs, or feed little tummies. 5.  That number is the number that runs my life now.  My husband and I have created a small army that has conquered us, laid siege to life before counting to 5.  But the truth is 5 is my favorite number.  It is the number of first times I felt little kicks inside me, confirming the life I knew was there.  The number of small new babies placed in my arms and the number of times I felt a whole new place in my heart open that I never knew was there.  Yup, 5 is my favorite number for now :) Who knows, maybe someday I'll be counting to 6.... Brandon if you are reading this don't panic!

It's Awesome Time

A friend of mine has a small business where she makes ADORABLE home decor signs. One sign, that she and her son made together for his rooms, says "It's Awesome Time."  Love this.  I makes me excited. It's Awesome Time.  My current life situation has one mantra that dictates the purpose of every moment of my day-- KEEP EVERYONE ALIVE.  I have a just barely three year old boy (who is CRAZY. Like really crazy... I will qualify this statement in future posts... I promise), twin twenty two month old girls, and ten week old boy/girl twins.  Aaaah. Even composing that sentence was tiring. No but really, I feel successful right now, at the end of this long day, sitting on the couch with my hands free pumping tank on and my Medela hard at work, toys all around me,  dirty dishes in the sink and clean ones in the dishwasher, old and new diaper and wipes boxes from Amazon littered throughout my house and disorganization behind every cabinet door... yes I feel successful. Why? because my kids, my husband, my dog, and I- we made it through one more day.  Everyone of us survived.  so I sit here thinking "It's Awesome Time."  When I get up tomorrow to the sweet sound of my screaming children, waking me for another day of pure crazy, imagine me in slow motion walking out of my bedroom with bed head and smeared make-up saying to myself, "It's Awesome Time" because it is. Why? Because I am a Mom! and being a mom is AWESOME!  It's hard, tiring, crazy, awesome work that defines who I am.  It dictates my schedule and is the hardest thing I have ever done.  But hard is good.  It is the BEST kind of hard I have ever done.  So when you wake up tomorrow say to yourself, "It's Awesome Time", because it is. It's Mom time.  And you are doing the most important thing you can do. we don't do it perfect.  We don't live in pinterest, Instagram, or Facebook land.  I mean, my kids live in pajamas, the same ones that they have been living in for way too many days to admit.  So here's to us moms- It's Awesome Time.